Fill Your Own Cup
My friend pushed me to go to Cuba. I mean pushed in the nicest way, but that is the only way to describe it. At the time, my daughter was nine months old, it had only been three months since receiving her cerebral palsy diagnosis, and I thought this friend was out her mind to suggest a trip. She didn’t have kids and didn’t get why it was such a big deal, but to me, it felt like an impossible leap. Having gone from the NICU where Elise was checked every 15 minutes, to life at home where I was constantly on duty, leaving the country without her felt unimaginable. My friend won out in the end, and I’ll be forever grateful she did as taking that leap became a pivotal moment in my parenting. Beyond it being a break during an overwhelming time, I learned to trust others with my daughter which allowed me to begin the journey of focusing on my identity again. It was when I learned to fill my own cup again as a parent.
I think we’ve all heard about self-care and the importance of filling our own cup, but what does this really mean and how do we do it? Self-care for parents, especially parents of children with special needs, is incredibly complex. Boarding the plane for Cuba the standard emergency message, “place your oxygen mask on first before assisting others”, played out. As parents, we do the opposite more often than not and spend our energy assisting our children first. Perhaps a good place to begin balancing this better is by exploring and noticing what truly tops us up and then practicing being present in those things.
Preparing for Cuba was when I began building a village for Elise and me. After calling home those first couple of times and hearing Elise was fine, I allowed myself to relax and let go of the guilt I felt about relieving myself of this responsibility for a week. Other people cared for her and were capable of tending to her needs. I noticed how this made me feel and I intuitively knew that a strong and reliable village would be important in the years to come. Cuba ripped off the band-aid and set me on a path of intentionally building and trusting my village early. This was, and is hard, especially when a child’s needs are complex. I remember putting Elise on the bus at 2.5 years old and being flooded by a strange combination of panic and relief as a huge weight lifted off my shoulders for a few hours. My village fills me up, and so even now I am constantly looking for people that belong in it. I am shameless, I will find people walking down the street or in line at the coffee shop. Over time I have developed an intuition for who is the right fit and I am grateful for every member and every bit of weight they lift from me.
Once I trusted in my village, I found capacity to reflect on what else would fuel me. Some people know easily what the right fuel is, but for me it’s been trial and error. My husband laughs at me because in one day, I can plan to train for a triathlon, write a book and sign one of our kids up for something new and exciting; but is this really what is going to fill my cup? Maybe physical activity will, but does it need to be as intense as training for a triathlon? Maybe watching my kids engage in a cool extra-curricular will, but one more commitment could just as easily drain my cup. Maybe I could write a book, or maybe I could just sit with a cup of coffee and enjoy one someone else has written.
I’m constantly learning what energizes me, and trying to leave behind what doesn’t. Creating intentional space has been important lately – time when I have no goals and nothing to do. Living in the space, maybe even in boredom, is hard for me. I tend to fill any bit available, but I am trying to resist this urge because it’s nice to have the freedom sometimes.
Consider ways of intentionally connecting with your body and mind that serve your identity and are separate from caring for and worrying about your child. For me exercise is key; physical activity makes me feel strong and allows my mind to detach from daily demands. I can’t tell you what your thing is – learn something new, build your career, volunteer, read, exercise, pamper yourself, spend time with friends – the sky is the limit when it comes to self-care.
It’s a constant journey, but I encourage you to make filling your own cup a priority. You’re worth it, and you’ll be better equipped to take care of others when you’ve put your own oxygen mask on first.
